So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
