I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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