you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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