If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Drunk is a universal language darling
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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