the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
