You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
