You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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