dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
