I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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