Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
