Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just invented taco cereal.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
