Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
