I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
