she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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