i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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