Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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