thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
