You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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