I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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