Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
