my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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