Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
