im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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