i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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