Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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