Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
