You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
