i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
