i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
