I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
