I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
