After last night, I could never be a politician.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
