omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
