You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
