2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
