So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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