Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
