There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
