Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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