he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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