Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Randomize
