So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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