I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
