someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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