I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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