I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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