it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
