I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
