My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
