Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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