The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
