Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My life is pants optional.
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