the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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