just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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